Dear Diary –

Yesterday was one of those days where the need to be “normal” was incredibly overwhelming.  I wanted my ADHD to go away.  Just doing the simplest task felt impossible.  I was Wesley pulling Buttercup out of Lighting Sand in the Fire Swamp.

I don’t normally have these days.  I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses.  In areas I know I’m week I take it slow and go over every step.  When I get overwhelmed I make a very detailed list of things to do and the order to do it in.  But last night I just couldn’t push the overwhelm away.

My current babysitter that helps us get Moo and Boo ready in the morning has started a real job as most college graduates do.  Looking for a babysitter is the worst.  I hate talking to new people and interviewing is worse.  I’m the boss in this situation and grilling them on their capabilities is so uncomfortable for me.  I often end up talking about myself and then never ask the questions I need to.

(If this is your first time visiting you might not know who Moo and Boo are.  Check out the post where I introduce my family.  Click Here)

I finally get Blue Eyes and I to have availability at the same time and am able to setup a time with the potential new babysitter on Tuesday.

Then my Mother-in-Law wants to pick up Moo and Boo on Tuesday and take them to dinner giving Blue Eyes and I some free time together.  So now to move the new babysitter to Wednesday.

Okay, that’s done.  Oh wait,  my therapist who is going on vacation for two months can only see me on Wednesday at 6.  Off to another conversation I am not good at to ask the potential new babysitter if she can come a half hour early.

All of this while trying to make dinner, convincing the girls to eat dinner in our air conditioner-less kitchen so I can avoid putting bug spray on them to eat outside.  We compromise on the floor watching TV (activate mom guilt). The dog is looking at me and asking me why he hasn’t had anything to eat since the night before (more guilt, more guilt, more guilt).  And then I remember that the girls both need tubs because they haven’t washed their hair in over a week.  And it’s a half hour before bedtime.  I had only gotten home an hour ago!

By the time Blue Eyes comes home I am on the verge of tears and I fully hate myself.  We have a quick check-in, a heart to heart and he tells me he loves me.  I go to bed to end the day so I can start over fresh in the morning.  But not without a 4 year old  in my bed because she can’t sleep because of her allergies.

I don’t often have these days and the days that I do I need to center and remember that it’s okay to be me.  I’m allowed to have off days.  We all are, ADHD or not.  I have compassion for everyone around me that has days like this and reassure them that there is no way to keep it all straight with so much going on.  I need to do a better job doing that for myself. So off to remind myself…. it’s okay to be me.

Happy

What’s distracting me: 

Lethargy.  When I’m in the doldrums I can’t focus on anything.  I get overwhelmed quickly and I don’t want to do anything.  It’s like my brain is wrapped in a gray mist and everything is blurry.  Ugh! I think I need to go to the gym.

What’s distracting you?

 

Author

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